


I'll Be Good

by Bubbybear1111



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cussing, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutilated Limps, Self-Hatred, implied amputation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 13:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbybear1111/pseuds/Bubbybear1111
Summary: Mccree thought it was his best option to join Overwatch, but with a physical right in his path he begins to regret his decision.





	I'll Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> My friend and I thought this up. We were talking about Mccree stuff and we came up with this "headcanon" of sorts. Enjoy.
> 
> I've been cold, I've been merciless  
> But the blood on my hands scares me to death  
> Maybe I'm waking up today  
> -I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young

Jesse thought it was his best option to join Overwatch, the way Commander Reyes made it sound. He had made it sound like it was an actually good idea.

“Do some good or go to jail.” Yeah. He was beginning to regret his decision now.

At the moment the cowboy was sitting on a medical bed, waiting for Angela to come back with some supplies. His eyes were darting around the room, trying to occupy himself from the anxiety and dread he held in his heart.

Jesse was about to get a physical and Hell was he frightened. His body shook and sweat was beginning to form on his forehead. He chewed at his lips subconsciously. His arms were crossed over his chest as he waited, nails digging into already irritated skin.

He would have been ok with this, if it hadn’t been for the thing he’d been hiding since his first days in Deadlock. If anybody found out about it there would be a lot of trouble, and right now he didn’t want to be in anymore trouble than he was already in.

The cowboy looked over at the clock. Angela had only been gone for about a minute, but it felt like so much longer. God he was regretting this. All of it. This was a bad idea.

With his chest aching and throat tight he decided that he really needed to get out of here and get some air at least. He pushed himself off of the bed, about to head for the door.

 

Then Angela came back in.

 

Jesse’s eyes went wide and he began to panic, like a deer caught in headlights. He stood stock still, his mind racing. What was he going to do now? Could he run past her? Overpower her? No, he couldn’t do that. She was such a kind person, he would never be able to harm her. Could he-

“Oh, Jesse! Were you coming to find me?” The medic smiled a pleasant smile at him.

The cowboy then lost his nerves. He nodded slowly, his body beginning to feel as if it was made of lead. God this was a terrible idea. He shouldn’t have agreed to any of this.

“No worries! I just needed to get an extra syringe. Now if you please, sit down.” She guided him back to the bed, Jesse sitting down heavily.

“I’m going to first have a look at your upper body, so please take off your shirt.” Angela brought her table of instruments over to the bed, then waited for him to take off his shirt.

The cowboy couldn’t move, wouldn’t move. He  _ could not _ show her his arm. He looked down at it, his breathing sharp and eyes still wide.

“Come now, Mccree. Don’t be shy.” She moved to help him take his shirt off.

 

That’s when he lashed out.

 

As if he was being attacked he instantly stood and punched her in the face, teeth gritted and brows furrowed in fury and desperation.

The medic stumbled back, eyes wide, hand over her now bleeding nose. She stared at him.

Jesse the came back to himself and he gasped. “ Ah- Ah’m so sorry! Ah-”

“It.. It’s fine… I’m sorry I didn’t ask for your permission first…”

The cowboy sat back down on the bed, legs like noodles. He put his head in his hands, body shaking. “Please don’t make me take mah shirt off…..”

He heard Angela take a step toward him. “But Jesse. I need to see your ch-”

“Ah said ah don’t want to take mah shirt off!” He looked up at her with gritted teeth and brows knitted.

“I…. e..excuse me.” The medic abruptly turned and walked swiftly out of the room, leaving the man to himself.

Jesse let out the sob he’d been holding in since he came in here. “Fucking coward. Fucking idiot. Piece of shit…” He balled his fists up in his hair, pulling at his head. “You’re a goddamn bitch, Jesse, a fucking coward.” Tears began to prick his eyes and he almost let out another sob when the door burst open.

“Jesse fucking Mccree how dare you.” There he was, come to punish him...God he regretted all of this so much. “How dare you punch Angela!” The Commander’s voice resounded in the small room, footsteps sounding like earthquakes. “FUCKING LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!” With that he was grabbed by the hair and pulled up to look Gabriel Reyes directly in the eyes. The Commander’s expression became more concerned than angry when he saw how watery Jesse’s eyes were.

_ Damn. Fucking crybaby _ , he scolded himself. Now he was in for it. Everything was about to go down hill and he just knew it.

“Don’t hurt him!” Angela came up from behind the Commander, swatting his hand away from the young man’s head.

Reyes let go and took a step back, letting Jesse’s head fall.

“Ah said ah was sorry…” The cowboy uttered.

“And I forgive you… but.. I need to know why you don’t want me taking your shirt off.” The medic knelt down in front of him, putting a hand on his arm.

He flinched, hand temporarily balling up into a fist.

Unlucky for him that Angela was a  _ doctor _ , so she noticed this immediately. “Show me your arm,” she said sternly.

“No.”

“Jesse, please.”

“Ah said  _ no _ .” Jesse’s unintentionally lowered his voice dangerously, causing the same reaction from the Commander.

“Mccree.  _ Show her your arm _ .”

“ _ No! _ ”

Reyes grabbed his arm abruptly, making the younger man to let out a pained cry.

“Gabriel!”

“Let go of me!” The cowboy tugged at the older man’s grip, stopping when one of his nerves felt like it exploded. “AAARRGGH!” He curled in on himself instinctively.

The Commander abruptly let go of Jesse’s arm, leaving the young man to bring it to his chest.

There was a moment of silence in which the recruit’s body shook and his heart pounded in his throat, his eyes stinging with tears.

“Kid, just show her your arm. There’s no use in trying to hide it.” The silence finally broke with Reyes’ sigh.

Jesse sniffed. “Ah… Ah can’t…”

“Why not?” The man’s voice was skeptical, but cool.

“Ah just can’t ok! You- you’re gonna-”

“We’re going to what?”

“YOU’RE GONNA THINK AH’M WEAK!” Jesse snapped. His eyes suddenly met with two people in front of him. His eyes were red and tears were streaked down his face. His chest heaved  with the effort not to break down entirely. "YOU'RE GONNA THINK AH NEED HELP! SYMPATHY! AH DON'T WANT IT!" The young man sobbed. "Ah don't want.. people feelin' bad for me! Ah don't want it..." Tears were falling down his face as he put his head in his hands.

He felt a hand on his shoulder as someone knelt down. "If you don't want it, we won't give it. Just show Angela your arm."

Jesse whimpered.

"Come on, kid. Please. I can tell you're ashamed, but we need to help you. You won't be doing anybody any good if you keep it from us." Reyes' voice was gentler now, diffusing.

The cowboy sniffed and took a deep, shaky breath, nodding. He knew he would regret this even more later. The Commander was probably lying about the help. But now he couldn't see any way of getting round this.

Slowly he took off his shirt, keeping his head low away from eye contact. Once it was off entirely Angela gasped.

 

"Oh my God."

 

There it was, Jesse thought as he felt another tear run down his face. There it was. He glanced down at he arm through his hair. He winced.

The arm was riddled with cuts and scars. There wasn't a clean spot on it at all. Many of the cuts overlapped, and some of them were weird colors. He knew they were infected, but he didn't care. He was glad for it.

"It needs to be amputated."

The doctor's words caught him by surprise and he raised his gaze in shock, only to be met with The Commander's unblinking look to his arm. He turned his gaze on Angela "What?!"

"Jesse, your arm is infected! Some of those cuts are bone deep! And you probably have bullet shrapnel in there by the looks of some of those notches! It needs to be amputated!"

"No! You can't!" The young man pressed the arm to his chest.

"McCree, listen to her. That arm needs to come off." Reyes' voice was stern, his eyes falling upon Jesse. 

"But ah.. Ah-."

"No buts Mccree." The older man crossed his arms.

The cowboy lowered his head in defeat. "Fine."

 

~~~~~~ (つ﹏⊂) ~~~~~~

 

Jesse awoke drowsy and nauseous. A groan escaped his lips as he looked over at the clock on the wall. It was late. Angela probably left him to sleep in the med bay. He looked around the room for any signs of life. His eyes settled on the wall mirror and it dawned on him. He immediately felt sick. Upon instinct he barfed over the bed, almost surprised to find a bucket there waiting for him. He stayed sitting up for a moment, head hovering over the bucket, teeth gritted and eyes wide. 

 

He still felt it there.  

 

The arm. He glanced over at it. He had raised it as if to push his hair back, but obviously that would have done no good. Half of it was still there, he realized. They’d managed to save the arm above his elbow. Maybe it’d been a kind of compromise for Angela. Leave him half of his arm so he can do whatever he wanted with it.

He knew they pitied him. Angela pitied him. They had probably talked about getting him help, if he knew anything about these people at all. He was probably going to have to go to a goddamn counselor or some bullshit like that.

God he knew this was a bad idea. As sure as the nausea in his stomach and the ache in his arm he knew this was a bad idea. He was stupid enough to go through with it though. He was such an idiot. He should’ve just gone to bloody  _ jail _ . Jesus he hated himself. He despised everything about his being. He was a terrible person. He’d killed people, hurt innocent people, all for a couple of guns. He was a coward. He should’ve left Deadlock a long time ago, but he hadn’t. Now he was here, and they’d found him out. They were definitely going to get him help.

He looked around the room, finding that he had a sudden need for a sharp object. Nothing worth it. Angela was thorough in how she cleaned up the med bay, especially with a patient like him. He lay back down on the bed with a sigh, looking up at the ceiling. He absentmindedly picked at the bandaged stump.

Jesse heard the door creak open and his eyes swiveled towards it. It was the Commander.

“Mccree. I didn’t think you were awake.” The low timbre of the older man’s voice found it’s way to the cowboy’s ears. He played off a smile.

“Just woke up. Ah thought you’d miss me.”

Reyes scowled at him. “Cut the crap, kid. Now’s not the time.” The other man walked over to the bed, sitting down in the chair beside it.

“Ah don’t know wh-”

“Yes you do. Your arm?” He pointed at Jesse’s stump. “Was entirely covered in cuts and bullet wounds. Now in all that mess some people might’ve thought you’d been abused. But no. That’s too specific of an area. To careful.” Reyes stared at him with great intensity. He couldn’t look away.

“A- ah..”

“There’s no way out of this one kid. I know what you’re doing to yourself.”

Jesse’s heart panged painfully in his chest when he heard those words. That was it. It was the end. He was going to go to some institute or something. “Sir, ah-”

“I know you think it helps. But it doesn’t. Trust me.” The older man glanced away for a moment, down at the arm.

“How do you know!?” The cowboy snapped, suddenly feeling his blood boil with anger. His brows furrowed defensively. How could this pampered man know how he felt?

Reyes sighed. Without hesitation he pulled up his shirt to reveal long white spots of skin on his abdomen. Scars.

Jesse was speechless. He stared at those scars with shock. “You…”

“Yeah.. I did. And let me tell you in the long run it doesn’t help. I know it feels good for a few moments, but in the long run it just kills you.” The older man’s face was solemn and expressionless as he stared at the recruit. 

“But..”

“Justifying yourself for self harm isn’t gonna do anything. You think you deserve it, but you don’t. Nobody deserves a self hatred like that.”

Jesse could feel tears pricking his eyes. He looked away.

“Kid. I want to help you. We all do. But first, that-” Reyes pointed to the stump”- has got to stop.”

The cowboy gave a shaky sigh. “Did you talk with Angie? About gettin’ me help?”

“Do you want it?”

“No.”

“Then we won’t give it to you. I’m not going to force you to go to some therapist if you don’t want to. That’s not how Overwatch works. It’s not how Blackwatch works.”

“Then how does it work!?” Jesse snapped again. A tear fell down his face.

“We won’t force you into feeling better. We don’t make you spill how you’re feeling. But we’ll give you whatever positive thing it takes to get you on the right track.”

 

“...”

 

“Jesse. I know what you’re going through. I can get you past it.” The Commander put a hand on his shoulder. “You just need to trust me.”

With those last words Jesse felt himself begin to shake with sobs. He tried to keep them quiet but it wasn’t any use. Reyes was sitting right there.

“Aw  _ chico _ .” Reyes leaned towards the younger man, reaching out a hand.

Jesse, without thought, sprang up from his laying position to hug the other man, body still shaking with sobs. 

Reyes’ body stiffened before he wrapped his arms around the cowboy, holding him in place. “I’m gonna help you, Mccree. I promise you that.”

“T-thanks,  _ jefe _ …” Jesse muttered against the Commander’s chest. Once he said it, he realized he meant it. 

 

Maybe this was a good idea after all.


End file.
